did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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