I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
