Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
