yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
