i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
