Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
