I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
