Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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