3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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