I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
