Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
