Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
