The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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