there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A bitchslap is in order.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
