I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
