A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
