Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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