New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
