i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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