I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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