Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Congratulations! We have a period
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
