i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
