YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
