If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
