oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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