3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
