It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
