someone threw a dead crab at me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
