I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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