Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
