Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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