Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
