It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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