I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he thought i was a dude.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
