She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
