was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
