it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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