I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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