you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
