i think my tv is drunk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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