Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think pants incapable of making pants work
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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