I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
