Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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