Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
