that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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