Your face is a jimmy john
My hand turned me down
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
