R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
