I'm eating all of the evidence.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just sucked dick on a ferry
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
