The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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