currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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