Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
